As I look back at life, especially the past two years, I have no regrets, at least not in the big sense. There are specific moments I'd take back, words spoken in haste, but I am where I belong, with Carl, finding my way as a wife, learning on the fly how to be a step mom (hopefully not too wicked) and to love and live with two teens, becoming a home maker, cook, exploring the liturgy and worshiping as an Episcopalian, making new friends and settling in to a new home and community. Life turned on its head, really, but I am confident that the Lord had His hand on the process and is using it to grow me. But that is another topic!
So. I belong here. Now. Nevertheless, I'm restless. I've been looking for a new job for well over a year, praying, asking God time and again to direct my steps, open a door, close doors, and I believe He has done that. But I'm still restless. For something bigger to be involved in. An opportunity to do something worthwhile. A paycheck would be nice. Or to volunteer somewhere. There are too many choices, yet none, or so it seems. Being a good wife is my first priority, and I'm so blessed to be here for my Carl, yet I like to think I have something else to accomplish. What???
How I wish God still spoke from burning bushes, out of donkey's mouths or wrote on walls. "Sharon, THIS IS GOD. I want you to..." How I envy people I know who have always had a defined direction, like my sister, who decided when she was young to be a doctor, which she is now. Or my brother, who felt a call to missions when he was a kid. (My strongest direction is unfortunately toward the cookie tin.) Carl experienced a specific moment when he sensed God saying He intended Carl to be a priest. That is so amazing.
I remember a conversation several years ago with a young friend who was finishing college and wondering about the next step. I shared with her the comfort I take in the example of Moses, who God called into leadership when he was 80 years old. According to Scripture Moses lived to be about 120, so 80 was two thirds into his life. The life span of many women in my family is at least 90, so based on Moses Math I have until I am 60 to figure it out. But (heavy sigh) I still want to know NOW. So I will continue to ask, seek and knock. Matthew 7:7
Today I told Carl that what I'd like is for Gandalf to invade my life and little Hobbit Hole where I sit and contentedly drink tea and read books, and drag me out the door into an adventure, one I don't even want to go on, and do things I never imagined I could, and to return home again and, over a cup of tea, look back in amazement at the places I've been.
